No Thanks, Cupid
For Whom the Whom Whoms

About Me: A hopeless romantic whom is wild as the wind.”

Sounds breathtaking, but I’m looking for someone whom is more of hopeless grammar enthusiast.

The Really Specific Guy

“My self-summary: UMMM lets see, oh yeah im down to do pretty much what ever with the exception of a few things.”

That’s so weird that you say that, because I like most stuff, but not, like, some stuff or a lot of stuff.

P.S. Sorry about the lack of posts lately. I’m back in the swing of things now.

The Guy Who’s a Little Too Honest

“I spend a lot of time thinking about: my ex-girlfriend, whether to move on with life or to still trying getting back with her.”

This person is not the typical OkCupid jerk whose comments this blog was built upon. In fact, his situation might be a little too sad to make fun of. However, I can’t pretend I don’t find it hilarious that he took the question “what do you spend a lot of time thinking about?” at face value, and answered with absolute honesty even at the risk of committing what is arguably the best-known dating faux pas. On a dating site.

Wanted: Gay Black Friends

You should message me if: I’m looking for quirky, curious people and co-conspirators, especially cynical idealists who will skip with me up dandelion-dotted mountains to help me knock aeroplanes down with stones. My best friends have tended to be not white, not straight, and/or not American, probably because they know how to negotiate the boundaries between their personal ideals and social reality with humor and care.

Here we find yet another OkCupid-er dedicated to living out Stuff White People Like. Fascinating! How many more are there? I predict that this little-known subculture will soon be the subject of a flurry of documentaries.

But, seriously, guys, those unwilling to skip up dandelion-dotted mountains to help knock aeroplanes down with stones need not apply. The same goes for anyone who doesn’t fit into the category of Exotic Other.

The Person Who Doesn’t Live Behind Your Eyeballs

The first things people usually notice about me: How should I know? I don’t live behind their eyeballs.”

GOOD. POINT. As living behind someone’s eyeballs (hey, in this economy, I’d take it!) is the one and only way one could ever know another person’s opinion, asking “what do people usually notice about you?” is equivalent to asking “can you ever have full knowledge of another person?” Thus, I understand why this OkCupid-er answered the way an angry 10-year-old would. The question is just THAT STUPID.

The Virgin

The most private thing I’m willing to admit here: I am a virgin, and have yet to be touched by a man. I do not want my vessel to be tainted before I find my one and only.”

After I finished puking, I looked up the definition of “vessel,” just for fun:

Vessel (n.)

Anatomy: A duct, canal, or other tube that contains or conveys a body fluid.

Ew EW!

Lady, you have the right to do whatever you want with your vessel (fun fact: doctor types call it a “vagina”). But please spare the rest of us your obnoxious judgments about being “tainted.” Patriarchy called, it wants its demeaning attitudes back.

The Writer Whose Case You’d Better Not Get On

My Self-Summary: i am a writer. and i feel that at this point in time, i have nothing significant to say— so please don’t get on my case about it. i will argue with you. and i will win. take care.”

This raises so many more questions than it answers. First of all, who are these people that “get on your case” about being a writer who is upfront about having nothing to say lately?

Her: “Oh, I’m a writer, but I haven’t been writing lately because I don’t feel like I have anything to say.”

Potential lover: “WHAT?! I won’t stand for this.”

Furthermore, this has happened to her SO MANY TIMES that she feels it necessary to post this disclaimer as the first thing on her profile? Where do you find these people?

Nextly, this person clearly considers herself some sort of courtroom shark when it comes to arguing. So…doesn’t that kind of mean you DO have things to say? Also, what is with this shift in tone from sadly self-deprecating to threateningly overconfident? It’s jarring at best.

(Thanks to Sofia for this quote submission!)

The Poet

My self-summary: An awkward frame of dangly limbs. Feigned poise. Shadow of a smile. A bundle of lofty ideas and raging hormones. Inappropriately eager and deliciously lazy at times. Prone to much inertia and spontaneous without warning. Recognised by others as clever clogs and daft cow in one, I go weaving trails…”

It goes on like this. I just chose to cut it off where the profile preview did. How deliciously lazy of me!

The Model Hipster

The 6 things I could never do without: Gram Parsons, graphic design, photography, sunshine, northern california, rare vinyl pressings (usually british sometimes german), weekly sunday excursions to the brooklyn flea - wanna come? we can sit on the steps and have morning pupusas.”

A fascinating find: someone who has devoted herself to enacting a live-action version of the Stuff White People Like blog. That’s a tall order, but I think if anyone can do it, she can. Better bulk up on extra pupusas, friend. You’ll need the energy for your afternoon trip to the MoMA.

The Similephile

My self-summary: Life right now seems a little like trying to take an excited dog on a walk. Mind you a big dog and I’ve foolishly wrapped the leash around my wrist. So while I attempt to plant my feet and wrangle some control out of it, it’s dragging me along and trying to rip my arm off.”

"And then the dog barks, but it’s not a big bark, more of a yap. And naturally this annoys some people at the park. Did I mention we’re at the park in this scenario? We are. Anyway, the dog’s yapping, and I’m wishing I’d worn better shoes, because I’ve been walking around for quite some time. I mean, not a SUPER long time, but enough to be aggravating, you know? Anyway…"

The Reader

My favorite books, movies, music, and food: I love to read. In fact, I have read so many things that it is hard to keep track of what is what - have you ever found yourself reading a book and you realize that you had already read it? That happens to me a lot.”

Omg, I totally sympathize. I, too, sometimes forget how worldly I am, and then I suddenly remember! But this is the price we pay for being better than everyone else.

Ruminations on reality

"I spend a lot of time thinking about: what is reality: Reality is subjective, why is atheism listed as a religion under this site? why are we at WAR?; Have I become a working class hero? Corporations control the world; paying my bills; will we be lost forever?”

Holy shit, lady, you just BLEW MY MIND. Don’t be modest: you’re not just a working class hero, you’re MY working class hero. How could I not admire your overzealous use of semicolons? Your astute inquiries about why we’re at WAR?

Laughing at this woman: acceptable?

"What I’m doing with my life: Studying philosophy at a local university, I won’t tell you which one because I don’t want to get raped.”

Out of all the quotes I’ve come across, I feel most conflicted about making fun of this one. On the one hand, I don’t want to mock this woman if she has some sort of paralyzing fear of rape, or be flippant about how often women are raped. However, I would be lying to myself if I didn’t acknowledge that the sheer intensity and self-importance of this statement (especially in the context of OkCupid) are hilarious. I can’t help but laugh at the unprovoked assumption that fellow OkCupid-ers are going to be so obsessed with her that the mere knowledge of where she goes to school will set off in them an unwavering determination to rape her. Also, whatever happened to just not disclosing info you don’t want to disclose? Must we throw out the word “rape” within the first few sentences of a profile on a dating site?

The Smart Person

My self-summary: It is out of supreme empathy that I shall spare you the tapeworm diarrhoea of a self-summary, which leaves you with the thankless task of scouring through my tests taken for completely irrelevant clues! hoho.”

I admire the creative choices in this self-summary, from the unusual diction to the spelling of “diarrhea.” Hoho!

The Artist

My self-summary: I paint the skies. I dance in the dark. I speak in pictures. I fall asleep to music. I find beauty in nature. I see in techni-color. I dream when I’m awake. And I love with all my heart.”

But mostly, I’m a tool.